How to Apply Conflict Management Skills in Your Relationship
Conflict is an inevitable part of every relationship.
The key to maintaining a healthy relationship is to manage conflicts when they arise in a way that leads to deeper understanding, which can set the foundation for an effective and workable compromise.
These six conflict management skills from the work of Dr. John Gottman (The Gottman Institute) can help you and your partner appropriately manage conflict.
1. Soften Startup
The first three minutes of an argument are critical. This is because the way an argument begins dictates the way it ends.
When conflict arises, it can be difficult to remain calm. But remaining calm can greatly improve your ability to get your point across in a way that your partner can hear it without defensiveness. A good way to avoid the ‘blame game’ is to use “I” instead of “you” statements.
For example, if your partner continually forgets to do their chores while you remain on top of yours, it can be frustrating. You may feel like approaching your partner with: “You NEVER bring the trash out on trash day. Now we have to wait another week and you’ll probably forget then too….”
Instead, try broaching the subject as “I thought we agreed that the trash would be taken out every week by 7 AM. I’m frustrated because this is the second time we’ve missed the trash truck.”
Your partner is much more likely to respond well when you focus on your own feelings and needs rather than what they did or didn’t do.
2. Accept Influence
Accepting influence means showing your partner that you understand their perspective and that you agree with at least some of what they’re saying. Instead of shutting them down or rolling your eyes, try listening to what they have to say and accept that part of it is in fact true for them.
Without accepting influence, conflict cannot easily be resolved and the issue may continue to build or resurface. Don’t be afraid to express your feelings, emotions, and concerns. When you invite these into a conversation, it can become much more open, honest, and productive.
3. Make Effective Repairs During Conflict
A critical part of effective conflict management is being able to interrupt a negative cycle and get back on a positive track. This can include both verbal (e.g. apologizing for your part of the argument) and nonverbal (e.g. a soft, loving touch) actions designed to reconnect with your partner.
4. De-escalate
A big step in de-escalating includes accepting responsibility and asking for forgiveness when appropriate. For instance, if you’re on the reciprocating end of the chores argument mentioned above, you could acknowledge that you, in fact, were in the wrong.
Saying that you will correct the error and then rectifying the oversight will show your partner that you are trustworthy. Upholding promises is a major cornerstone of any relationship and will help prevent escalation of future conflicts.
5. Soothe Yourself and Your Partner
Pounding hearts, quickened breathing, and raised voices are some of the signs of stress. You’re incredibly likely to experience stress when you’re caught up in the heat of an argument. This can set off a fight or flight response making it more difficult to listen and process information.
For more promising results, press the pause button and take time to collect yourselves before continuing. It’s so important that you take the time to focus on soothing both yourself and your partner.
6. Compromise
Conflict is inevitable; every couple has conflict in their relationship. Compromise is the balm that relieves the discord, smoothes the sharp edges and quiets the rhetoric. Look to find similarities in your positions and build on those mutual interests. Embrace your common passions and build on your agreements. Compromise will not only help to prevent arguments from escalating but will also guide both of you to a more harmonious relationship.
